I’m feeling pretty emotional tonight, more so than I have in a while. Every writer knows it’s almost impossible to separate your own emotions from your writing. And even if you’re able to, then the work will be lacking because that’s such an important building block of a good story.
If you can’t cry, laugh, scream, or whatever emotion the piece your writing is trying to evoke, then how do you expect anyone else to?
No one will care about your work as much as you do. That’s a given. It’s your baby. Your sweat and tears. Even if you don’t particularly like it, it’s still yours and when someone says something negative, it’s hard not to get defensive and try and make them see differently.
But as a writer, you have to understand that you’re not going to please everyone. The goal here is to make sure that enough people like it so that you can be heard, that your writing can be seen.
I can’t avoid the panic attacks that have decided to rear their ugly head lately. I’m under so much stress at the moment. Over worked and under payed, trying to buy my first house, writing contests, and not to include waiting around to hear what the agent who has my exclusive has to say. It’s all so much, it’s really hard to juggle.
I want nothing more than to be a writer. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. Not only is it my passion, but it will be a way for me to help take care of my family and to share with the world my thoughts and ideas (which are bountiful!) I’m starving to be heard, and I see no other platform for me than with my writing.
I know I’m not Shakespeare, or Edgar Allen Poe, but I’m a writer, through and through, and I know I can craft a good story. I feel it deep within my soul. I just need that one person who can make things happen believe in me. With their help, I can do it. Unfortunately, this job isn’t something I can do alone. I need an agent, or a publisher, to feel like I have what it takes.
It’s during these times when I really start to freak out. I always think the worst. What if I never find an agent? What if everyone hates it? What if I’m stuck at my dead-end job for the rest of my life doing what I hate? What if I’m never able to support myself financially, to really make it out there on my own?
Errr, the self-doubt is eating me alive! I want, no NEED, it to go away. I need something good to come my way. Someone other than friends and family to say you’ve got it. I know I don’t need others approval to know I’m a writer. I wake up thinking about writing and go to sleep thinking about writing, and I’m often even dreaming about writing. I KNOW I’m a writer, but I also want to be a writer that other people want to read. That my ideas and thoughts and creative thinking can reach the masses. It’s something I know every writer wishes will happen for them.
Maybe I’m being selfish, but dammit, it’s my turn. It’s time for me to stand out among my peers; to finally have something good happen in my life. I’ve waited around while everyone around me has fulfilled many of their dreams, as their lives have taken shape in the form of families or careers, and now it’s my turn. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am today, and while I may not have much to show for it, I’ve grown as a person and I’m due.
I want to prove to all the people who said I couldn’t do it, for all my friends who still think I can’t (And I know there are many who say that I will, but I know they truly don’t believe in me) that I CAN DO IT. I will become a published author. I will have people talking about my book, and one day, my book will grace the pages of the New York Times Bestseller List, then for once in my life I can tell people “I told you so”.
Sorry for the very personal rantings today. Like I said, I’m feeling emotional, and I needed to get this off my chest. I know every writer out there struggles through this same stuff, and if you strive for what you want and you work hard, it will happen. I truly believe that and one of these days, I’ll matter enough, that you’ll listen to what I have to say.